Sunday 14 November 2010

Another dose of reality

If you have been following my blog ( and there arent too many of you ) you will know that my mum has been in a nursing home with dementia for over a year now. She has deteriorated rapidly.
She had a few setbacks and with every difficulty she withdrew more into herself.
I have been watching my mum leave now for the last 8 months...slowly one step at a time.
As I sat holding her frail hand today I watched her breathing and wondered what she might be thinking.
Whether she wished that it would all just be over or whether she was just not thinking anything at all.
She no longer knows who I am ( or maybe she does but cannot voice it ). I dont blame her for that - she did light up for one moment when she saw my husband though, so that was nice.
She snoozed on and off today but the issue now is that she no longer wishes to eat.
Elizabeth Kubbler Ross would say that this is a sure sign that the body no longer wishes to take in nourishement to keep itself alive - it is the body's way of saying enough is enough..
I do not wish to prolong this ordeal any more than needed for mum's sake.
No one wishes to see their loved one die but if she is preparing to go then so must I ..
We need to listen to our loved ones final requests and take ourselves and our own needs out of the loop...IT IS NOT ABOUT US.
It is about them.
To not feel pain of heart ache would be a silly ideal - that I could get away without the reality of my mother dying having some effect.
Keeping busy helps although my thoughts are abundantly with her even if I cant be.
Whatever pain she may have caused me - is no longer remembered.
There is no point. She is now a frail, tiny lady who is barely hanging on to this life which has in many ways been cruel and difficult.
It robbed her of her youth and of her ambitions - she lost parents and friends and all hope in the times of war, she had to leave her home for a totally foreign land with a man whom she married out of fear in being left alone. She did the best that she could with her lot and now she has learnt to give in totally to her fate.
I wish her peace in these last weeks or months, whatever they may be.
She is teaching me even now...that each day is a precious gift and life should be enjoyed as much as possible before that free option is taken away from you...


  1. Thinking of you and yours and sending love, peace and acceptance. x♥x

  2. Thanks Wendy.Hope you are well too...

  3. I hope it is peaceful, for her and for you, though I know that peaceful can be a bit of an ambiguous thing. x

  4. Its a very private process..we all go through it very differently as you know having been through it with your mum. No one can be in your head while you are there some things just cannot be understood - all there is left is acceptance.