Times are always changing

And so, does it sometimes seem that you move one step forwards and two steps back?
Well at least you are moving.....and so it seems to have been with me over the last few months. We have progressed forward from the passing of my father in law and the readjustment that family has had to make and now a close friend has had to face the terror of having her son become so ill that she almost lost him.
To see how she has been suffering has been awful  and it has also meant that such a huge life issue has made her rethink her priorities and reassess her own life in the aftermath - her total commitment is now to her sons recovery.
In the end, if we do not have our health and energy to make those steps either forward or back it can be a very difficult and hard place.
Its can put all of our small trivial issues into greater perspective when we see someone close to us suffer when their world falls apart.
So I continue to move forward and back but in the end - that is only the dance that we call life.

Back Again

Its been a while ut somehow words have failed me recently...specifically "public" words. Not only did my family begin recovering form the passing of my mother, but in the recent week we also were shocked by the sudden death of my father in law,who was not a well man, but we also did not expect him to go just yet.

So now two more empty seats at the Christmas table this year - it will be a difficult one for sure.
On the other hand we have a new baby pup called Loki who has given us great joy. He is only 10 weeks old and is sleeping soundly here next to me on the couch as I write. My muse has returned!!
Maybe the next step will be getting back to some painting?

So life , as always, is full of ups and downs.

Death and illness are sobering times when we are taken back to our basic emotions. When all of a sudden all that we OWN seems to no longer matter, we are prepared to sell everything and lose it all for the pain to stop and for the hurt to finish and for our health to return or our loved one be returned to us.
It is a chance to remember what really matters and for me to get as much out of life as I can because in the end all that is left is a memory.

You know when you get that feeling..

That something is just not going to work out right?
Well this is what happened to me this week. I should have just trusted my instincts.
I dont do private readings in people's homes anymore just for this reason.
I really never know what I might be getting myself into - now, most people are fine but then sometimes you are entering into unchartered territory and you should be backing out as quickly as you walked in. dont like to dissapoint.
My booking was for a small group of four - it was going to be quick 15 min readings.
In and out in about an hour.
But the moment I entered the ROOM that had 15 working clocks of all shapes and sizes, and a tutankhamun's treasure chest collection of artefacts collected from a thousand years worth of garage sales I knew I should not go on.
But, I had committed - come on girl, hold it together!!!
So I sat down and asked the first person to come in.
Then they started...the clocks...ding dong, bing bong, cukoo cukoo and a cacophony of various tunes and noises that went on for the next five minutes.
I ploughed on.
This first person decided that they really needed to offload - normal and usually ok, but not today and not in this house.
30 minutes later I was asking this person to finish...10 minutes after that they did.
Again the clocks, ticking, bing binging and bonging....little creatures, ornaments in every nook and cranny from floor to ceiling all staring at me, laughing at me...blinding me with their garishness and kitzch.
Person two - not happy I did not give them the lotto numbers and the secret combination to life.
I also finished too soon. Person three - oops the clocks were ringing out the hour by now so we sat in the din and waited for it to end. I lost my concentration.
Person Four - I had lost it totally - one of those readings where eveything was answered with a blank look and "thats not right"....
ok.
I give up.
Here is your money back.
Can I leave now.
Oh and by the way here is the name of a really good local psychic - next time it might be an idea to call them.
I hightailed it out of there in a flash and headed for the first available cappucino machine!
Just sometimes....its as clear as mud.

A great weekend at Monte Christo

I have just come back from a weekend at Monte Christo - the most haunted private house in the world - yes...the world!!!!
This is the title that they have just been given - cool eh!
It would have been totally perfect except that it took us 8 hours to get there by car and another 8 getting back. I am not a good back seat passanger.
If I could have afforded it I would have flown there.
But the company was great - five women in a car.
A group of ghosthunters, all very enthusiastic, all heading to the most haunted place in Australia..what would we talk about all the way there?????
Ghosts and our experiences of course.
It was well worth it with a most fantastic home to tour - the family, Olive and Reg and their son, were perfect hosts serving us home made meals and providing comfortable accomodation as well as being able to indulge us in stories that were going to keep us up all night long.
I can recommend this trip out to Junee to anyone with a real interest in ghost stories and strange experiences.
Did I personally have anything happen to me?
Sure did.

Blessings to a beautiful Faerie!

A lovely lady I know is leading a very complicated life.
She is a featherweight whisp of a thing yet has been dealt some extreme circumstances - so very unfair for one person to go through.
Now on top of all else she must contend with cancer - treatment, hospitalisation and surgery as well as the need for support, love and understanding.
None of us knows how we would go through such things until it becomes out time to do so.
I know that this particular lady will rise to the challange because even though her life has been tough, she would never think of backing down.
She remains in my prayers and thoughts and I wish her swift recovery and strength in beating this f**ker down to hell.
Keep an eye out in the sky this weekend for a most beautiful moon as it comes in nice and close to Mother Earth. I am lucky enough to be in Junee at Mont Christo on a ghost hunting trip.

I

The traumas of Japan

Japan is going through hell. The visions of the last few days have been forever embedded into our psyche by continual streaming of events as they unfolded.
As much as I did not want to watch - I did.
I visited Japan last year for the very first time. It is a country of great beauty and the people are amazing. I loved every minute of being there - a gracious and respectful place to be.
Even during this trying time reports, in the thick of it, tell of how in the supermarkets people are only buying enough and leaving food for others. Even homeless people are offering bits of cardboard to strangers so that they can be warm.
Imagine whole townships destroyed...where would you start?
There is nothing to go back to.
Our Earth is flexing her muscles, bending , stretching growing and shrinking.
We are all on a living planet - is it finally sinking in or not?
We need to learn to live within her boundaries not OUR boundaries because she couldnt give a stuff about what we think is right.
Its time we decided that our Earth is one global village - we are way beyond small separate communities - we have spread all over the globe covering it with humanity. Our biggest lesson is now to learn to live together and extend a helping hand when it is needed.
For what is happening to Japan, Christchurch, Queensland effects us all.

Miss you so much gorgeous boy!

Its all about perspective.

Hearing yet again after such a long time how much of a heartless b***h I had been in a situation that happened a long time ago in a distant land, far far away allows me to reflect on the topic of perspective.
Now, its those people's perspective that were involved in the fracas that I had wronged them - thats how they saw the situation. Ok.
But from my perspective I did what I needed to do - they had wronged me.
  - so, therefore who is right?

Depends on how many friends or family you have defending your status, I guess - or who has the loudest voice or the most friends on facebook!
The facts you say?
What about the facts?
Oh who cares about the facts...it will still depend on perspective.
In a car accident ten witnesses will all see something different.
That's a fact.

I was watching 60 Minutes about the young girl in the centre of the current AFL scandal.
She is only 17 - a mere baby, but boy, has she caused some commotion with HER perspective.
None of us knows the full story - as well we know tv will filter out the truth and present mostly what will get them the most viewers and people love a scandal.
Now from my point of view she got herself into a situation where the adults around her should have known better but that does not excuse everything. From her point of view she feels that she has done little wrong and continues to do little wrong in her continued defence and appearnace on tv with even more stories that frankly we should not be encouraging or be made aware of.
We havent gotten far from the old town square scenario where the local villan would be led into the Square and put in the stocks so that people could throw rotten cabbage at his head...
Mmmm....havent we all moved ahead!

Each person in this whole mess will have a different perspective of right and wrong.
So, I go back to my little past flashback - I learnt many valuable lessons from my errors in judgment - the best teacher of all.
My perpective on past event shas not changed.
People need to move on.
I wish I could have seen it coming - no actually I did see it coming but I made the wrong choices in trying to fix things, but then as in many of life's situations, even since then, some things are not meant to be seen or stopped but to be lived through whether you like it or not.

Time passes slowly

Its been a week today since mum passed and three weeks since we lost our little puppy. Time has somewhat slowed down, the days seem to have dragged as if to extend the amount of time that grieving can occur.
My big girl arrived from Melbourne for a few days and added some support and we went through the whole funeral thing on Thursday. Yes...not a big fan of the whole funeral thing.
But it was a very quiet lovely ceremony and the local parish priest made it a personalised, humble and gentle process.
I know mum would have preferred dancing girls, fireworks, bells and whistles...instead she got close family and short and sweet...oh well mum..I hope you enjoyed it anyway.

Now I am left to get back into it..part of me doesnt want to.Yet.
I just would like to sit in the house for a few weeks and not speak to too many people at all - but the other part of me says I have a business to attend to and things that are booked in to be done.
So life goes on.
Always an event or, in my case, a series f events like this leave me questioning and contemplating my own issues about where I am at and what I am doing..
I mean nothing that has happened has been out of the ordinary..it has all been part of life ..I cant complain.
I just have to go through it, but the last few years have been very "challenging" lets just use that word..and I would like to rest now.
Thanks, but no more lessons for a while please.

The last Chapter

Finally I feel great relief that my mother is no longer suffering in a body that does not function any more. Finally there is relief from pain and confusion for her.I feel only relief.
This is hard for others to understand and I know that not being wracked with grief may seem inappropriate but I am truely so happy for mum right now.
I know that wherever her spirit might be she will be singing and dancing.
She is not around me, I dont feel her - I did not expect to.
Just like my dad, she is gone and doing her own thing.
I can talk to her now and get her full attention - she can be by my side whenever I want her to be.
This IS the final chapter in a very difficult life. Now she can finally rest and be at peace.
It is unfortunate that I believe she waited for my brother to come and see her - but he chose not to to for his own personal reasons. Whatever those reasons might be they are his and he has to live with his decisions, I do feel that mum would have passed earlier if he had made the trip to Sydney to see her.
Now we just have to get through the funeral bit - I am relieved that I had a chance to organise most of it while I still could think straight. Now I just have to finalise some details.
I will also then take time to carry out my own small ritual after the "family" part is over - something meaningful for me.
I went through a lot of emotions over the past months - I realised that all of this is far more complicated than I would ever have imagined.Even though I knew that you should not judge anyone going through grief, I now so totally understand that everyone's process can be so very different. I did not even expect some things to happen or others to effect me. I thank EVERYONE who has stood by me, thought of me, my family and my mum and sent best wishes - it is your love and kindness that helped me carry on and get through.

You have to do what you have to do....sometimes.

I continue to visit with my mum in Sydney - she is rapidly becoming more fragile. Not eating now and very little fluid intake. Just letting nature take its course. I went on Friday with my husband and today I went on my own. I could sit as long as I wanted to. Although this is a painful experience - like hitting myself over the head with a hammer...I know if I go I will feel pain, but that is not a good enough reason not to go. I know mum still recognises me and she is happy to have some human contact - the nursing staff ( flat out with all the others ) tend to leave her in her room only to turn her once an hour. She cannot tell me what she needs, maybe she is past that. I know she is tired and maybe just over it all. It is incredibly sad to see her in this state - how anyone could wish to prolong their loved ones life when they are in this state is beyond me.
There is plenty more going on in my life with work and the new side of the business getting ready to begin but I seem to be in this limbo - I expalined it to my husband as feeling in a parallel universe -not in the real world, just observing it, feeling raw and on edge and not comfortable.
I will most probably remain in this state until mum has found peace.

A difficult week.

Well, I have been expecting a death in the family with my mum being so ill, but, out of the blue we have had to endure the passing of our beloved puppy dog - Max, something we were not expecting at all.

This little fellow changed the dynamics of our family.
I remember the days before we got him - how I tried to convince my husband that a pug was really cute and not ugly and all that snorting was going to be fun.
It took about a year before we finally got to get one and of course the moment we saw him we HAD to have his.
He was so small,  I used to walk down at Warner's Bay with him in my pocket.

He had an amazing personality and would not allow me out of his sight when I was home, following me to the toilet and sitting beside me when I painted hence "Blackdogartworks"was born.

Now he is no more, having suffered what we think was a seizure last Saturday - we were not even home when it happened.

We found him the the backyard and it tore our hearts out.

Our family pets have always been treated like royality - pride of place on couches, special beds made and much love and devotion given to each one.
This little fellow stole our hearts - he was with us every breathing minute not more that a meter away from any member of the family that was at home.

He would be first in the door in the morning and last out at the end of each day.
He was smothered with hugs and scratched continually - he was even a hit on U Tube with snippets of him being viewed over a million times by people all over the world.

I miss him terribly. I miss him following me around and sitting by my side on the couch.
I miss him wanting his snacks and waiting at the door for me to come home.
I miss his snorting, his curly tail and his attitude.
Rest in Peace - Maximus.
I dont know if I can paint without you.
You were my muse - my lucky charm, my connection to that creative part of me.
I will always remember you.

Its so hot!

I know we have hot and humid weather every summer, but this year seems a doozey...a week of almost 40 degrees can make you feel frazzled and ill tempered.
I was hanging out the washing a few minutes ago thinking of the early settlers to Australia  some 200 years back, and the women putting up with washing clothes by hand and then pegging out on lines in the heat in far less civilised conditions than I am enduring.
I get to walk back into air conditioning with a fridge full of icy cold drinks. Imagine those long dresses and corsets even, dusty floors inside your slab hut and churning your own butter and baking your own bread, gutting the freshly killed chicken while whacking the snake that just came in the hole in the side of the wall with a bit of gum tree and watching for ticks and fleas while boiling the billy for a decent cup of tea.
Just imagine that.............
Mmmm... Thanks to those that came before..I'll be content with what I have right now ..

I had a dream last night - mum had come to tell me she was going on a long trip and that she was leaving this Tuesday.
We plan to go to Sydney tomorrow to visit her - its been so hot that its just too uncomforatble to sit in the car for such long trips.Hoping it is slightly cooler.

The price of apples..

Some things in life are taken as a given...like going to the supermarket and seeing apples on the shelf. Beautiful, glossy, perfect apples and not one variety, but many, and not just from Australia but now from different countries too.
What we have forgotten is that fruit and vegetables are seasonal - they are not available all year long.
We are so removed from the process ( farms and farmers are somwhere out in the never never ) that most people just are not aware that there are planting times, growing times and picking times and that different fruits and veges grow at different times of the year.
We just go in to the shops and freak out when we can no longer give our child an apple in their lunch box for school - so we demand them, this makes supermarkets want to supply them, so they buy in bulk and store them, often for many months so that these precious fruits can be available well after their normal time.

So then it becomes a vicious circle. You want - the supermarkets get. And you also demand perfect apples...no spots, no bumps and all the same perfect colour.

The worst thing is that the apples that most supermarkets are now selling are months old - so why are we paying over inflated prices under the pretence that it is "all because of the flood?".
If you dont like to price of apples, go buy bananas or oranges.

Personally I think that we have it way to easy in Australia ( compared to many other countries in the world ). We have isles in supermarkets that are obnoxiously long, and getting longer just to give us even more "choices" with shopping trolleys large enough to be able to house a small third world family.
We have umpteen different types of bread and milk and a bzillion types of frozen foods of every shape, style and colour. What for God's sake are we complaining about?
That this week you couldn't buy an apple? 

sOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU SHIT SCARED...

I was listening to an interview on tv this morning and Rob Schnieder ( comedian ) made the above statement.
It made me stop and think about what he had said.
Indeed sometimes you do have to do something that makes you shit scared. You sometimes have to test yourself, your skills and your personal boundaries.
As scary as it might be, it may also make you feel very alive.
A life not experienced fully is a downright shame....
Also some days you just have to do something totally outrageous - especially when you face your own mortality and know that, sooner or later...you may be standing at the doorway of your own passing wondering what in the hell was my life all about anyway.
The fact that we will all die, often makes us find a way to joke it off, laugh about it because the thought of it can be quite terrifying - that all of this will actually STOP.
Not like you can change your mind and go..oh dying was not what I thought it would be can I come back now?
Well no you cant.....not so you can remember anyway...
but watching my mum be in "suspended animation" in limbo and between the worlds has been an introspective process for me...helping me to realise that I have nothing to lose by working out what it is that I want for myself and by just doing it now!!!!!

People who know me would regard me as kind of well.....conservative....often in a very boring way. But I do have my moments. Today I had one of those moments.
I talked my hubby into something totally outrageous yet terribly wonderful and its was such fun. Somewhat of a legacy I can leave to my children and a moment in time that will help me remember my mum when she has long gone to a better place.
Life is full of little opportunities.. use them well.

Hard start to the year for many

It has been a hard start for so many ....only a heartbeat into the new year and hundreds of Queenslanders have lost everything that they own, then we heard of a horrific accident near Raymond Terrace where two beautiful young girls lost their lives and on a personal note, I know that my mum will not see the year out. Her time is coming to an end and she has given up the fight.
No matter what I may have thought that she did or did not do for me as I was growing up - I always remember her as a fighter and this aspect of her in now gone.
She is tired and weary of it all - her body no longer functions and she has an enormous sadness in her eyes.

Every visit I take to the nursing home I watch all of the patients of the nursing home wing slowly deteriorate more and more...a year ago there were only two in beds and now there are six. The poor lady doing the exercises will be doing them by herself shortly as only three or four of the elderly have the muscles left to catch the ball that she throws to them.
So I leave, yet again, thinking how can I live more of my life?
What can I do more fully?

I magine the heartache of going through a sodden smelly house looking for lost treasures that have been squirreled away for years ( as we all do ) and think what it would be like to have one's identity simply washed away.

I am so grateful for all of those wonderful people who have given of themselves top help thie victims of the floods - and to those who feel it is their right to steal, thieve and destroy and cause more heartache for their own benefit should let the "mob" deal with them.....sometimes the legal justice system is a "pussy"......
I wish them all strength and hope and I wish my mum a swift journey home....

Happy Happy Joy Joy!

So the new year has started and we are being bombarded with how we are all fat and stupid.
How we should stop smoking, overeating, overspending and not trust the banks, or the retailers or your next door neighbour.
Makes you want to sing from the mountain tops doesnt it!

We have seen how half our Queensland is covered in water from floods, how we are losing young people in stupid car accidents and how innocent bystanders are being bashed and robbed while waiting for a train.

Ah yes...and we are the smart ones on the evolutionary highway arent we!

Japan has started whaling and someone is going to start a war, just because thay have all of these fun toys and are dying to try them out.
China is making every single item that we can think of to buy and all of our food is being pumped with shit that is going to make us eventually die in a very disgusting way.

Ah but wait..WE are the smart ones in the evolutionary chain...

We are more interested in who slept with who and if they look fatter now then they did a year ago or whether they have had botox or who has a fat pimple on their arse........ and why is that young blonde girl marrying Hugh Heffner anyway...

We die and take our vital organs with us to a coffin in the ground when we no longer are in need of them  while others lie in wait ..and their family sits and watches.

We throw out really good useful stuff because we dont like the colour anymore or there is a newer model out this year and we then spend our entire healthy  lives working very hard to pay for all the junk we have collected.
Then we get told at about 50 that we are old and stupid and that we are a bother and should be put into a home where we can go die quietly and not bother our families...
So lets just stop for a moment and think whether all of this is right.
Crazy?
yes...when did we stop noticing what was happening around us?