Saturday 26 February 2011

Time passes slowly

Its been a week today since mum passed and three weeks since we lost our little puppy. Time has somewhat slowed down, the days seem to have dragged as if to extend the amount of time that grieving can occur.
My big girl arrived from Melbourne for a few days and added some support and we went through the whole funeral thing on Thursday. Yes...not a big fan of the whole funeral thing.
But it was a very quiet lovely ceremony and the local parish priest made it a personalised, humble and gentle process.
I know mum would have preferred dancing girls, fireworks, bells and whistles...instead she got close family and short and sweet...oh well mum..I hope you enjoyed it anyway.

Now I am left to get back into it..part of me doesnt want to.Yet.
I just would like to sit in the house for a few weeks and not speak to too many people at all - but the other part of me says I have a business to attend to and things that are booked in to be done.
So life goes on.
Always an event or, in my case, a series f events like this leave me questioning and contemplating my own issues about where I am at and what I am doing..
I mean nothing that has happened has been out of the has all been part of life ..I cant complain.
I just have to go through it, but the last few years have been very "challenging" lets just use that word..and I would like to rest now.
Thanks, but no more lessons for a while please.

Monday 21 February 2011

The last Chapter

Finally I feel great relief that my mother is no longer suffering in a body that does not function any more. Finally there is relief from pain and confusion for her.I feel only relief.
This is hard for others to understand and I know that not being wracked with grief may seem inappropriate but I am truely so happy for mum right now.
I know that wherever her spirit might be she will be singing and dancing.
She is not around me, I dont feel her - I did not expect to.
Just like my dad, she is gone and doing her own thing.
I can talk to her now and get her full attention - she can be by my side whenever I want her to be.
This IS the final chapter in a very difficult life. Now she can finally rest and be at peace.
It is unfortunate that I believe she waited for my brother to come and see her - but he chose not to to for his own personal reasons. Whatever those reasons might be they are his and he has to live with his decisions, I do feel that mum would have passed earlier if he had made the trip to Sydney to see her.
Now we just have to get through the funeral bit - I am relieved that I had a chance to organise most of it while I still could think straight. Now I just have to finalise some details.
I will also then take time to carry out my own small ritual after the "family" part is over - something meaningful for me.
I went through a lot of emotions over the past months - I realised that all of this is far more complicated than I would ever have imagined.Even though I knew that you should not judge anyone going through grief, I now so totally understand that everyone's process can be so very different. I did not even expect some things to happen or others to effect me. I thank EVERYONE who has stood by me, thought of me, my family and my mum and sent best wishes - it is your love and kindness that helped me carry on and get through.

Sunday 13 February 2011

You have to do what you have to do....sometimes.

I continue to visit with my mum in Sydney - she is rapidly becoming more fragile. Not eating now and very little fluid intake. Just letting nature take its course. I went on Friday with my husband and today I went on my own. I could sit as long as I wanted to. Although this is a painful experience - like hitting myself over the head with a hammer...I know if I go I will feel pain, but that is not a good enough reason not to go. I know mum still recognises me and she is happy to have some human contact - the nursing staff ( flat out with all the others ) tend to leave her in her room only to turn her once an hour. She cannot tell me what she needs, maybe she is past that. I know she is tired and maybe just over it all. It is incredibly sad to see her in this state - how anyone could wish to prolong their loved ones life when they are in this state is beyond me.
There is plenty more going on in my life with work and the new side of the business getting ready to begin but I seem to be in this limbo - I expalined it to my husband as feeling in a parallel universe -not in the real world, just observing it, feeling raw and on edge and not comfortable.
I will most probably remain in this state until mum has found peace.

Wednesday 9 February 2011

A difficult week.

Well, I have been expecting a death in the family with my mum being so ill, but, out of the blue we have had to endure the passing of our beloved puppy dog - Max, something we were not expecting at all.

This little fellow changed the dynamics of our family.
I remember the days before we got him - how I tried to convince my husband that a pug was really cute and not ugly and all that snorting was going to be fun.
It took about a year before we finally got to get one and of course the moment we saw him we HAD to have his.
He was so small,  I used to walk down at Warner's Bay with him in my pocket.

He had an amazing personality and would not allow me out of his sight when I was home, following me to the toilet and sitting beside me when I painted hence "Blackdogartworks"was born.

Now he is no more, having suffered what we think was a seizure last Saturday - we were not even home when it happened.

We found him the the backyard and it tore our hearts out.

Our family pets have always been treated like royality - pride of place on couches, special beds made and much love and devotion given to each one.
This little fellow stole our hearts - he was with us every breathing minute not more that a meter away from any member of the family that was at home.

He would be first in the door in the morning and last out at the end of each day.
He was smothered with hugs and scratched continually - he was even a hit on U Tube with snippets of him being viewed over a million times by people all over the world.

I miss him terribly. I miss him following me around and sitting by my side on the couch.
I miss him wanting his snacks and waiting at the door for me to come home.
I miss his snorting, his curly tail and his attitude.
Rest in Peace - Maximus.
I dont know if I can paint without you.
You were my muse - my lucky charm, my connection to that creative part of me.
I will always remember you.

Saturday 5 February 2011

Its so hot!

I know we have hot and humid weather every summer, but this year seems a doozey...a week of almost 40 degrees can make you feel frazzled and ill tempered.
I was hanging out the washing a few minutes ago thinking of the early settlers to Australia  some 200 years back, and the women putting up with washing clothes by hand and then pegging out on lines in the heat in far less civilised conditions than I am enduring.
I get to walk back into air conditioning with a fridge full of icy cold drinks. Imagine those long dresses and corsets even, dusty floors inside your slab hut and churning your own butter and baking your own bread, gutting the freshly killed chicken while whacking the snake that just came in the hole in the side of the wall with a bit of gum tree and watching for ticks and fleas while boiling the billy for a decent cup of tea.
Just imagine that.............
Mmmm... Thanks to those that came before..I'll be content with what I have right now ..

I had a dream last night - mum had come to tell me she was going on a long trip and that she was leaving this Tuesday.
We plan to go to Sydney tomorrow to visit her - its been so hot that its just too uncomforatble to sit in the car for such long trips.Hoping it is slightly cooler.