Finally I feel great relief that my mother is no longer suffering in a body that does not function any more. Finally there is relief from pain and confusion for her.I feel only relief.
This is hard for others to understand and I know that not being wracked with grief may seem inappropriate but I am truely so happy for mum right now.
I know that wherever her spirit might be she will be singing and dancing.
She is not around me, I dont feel her - I did not expect to.
Just like my dad, she is gone and doing her own thing.
I can talk to her now and get her full attention - she can be by my side whenever I want her to be.
This IS the final chapter in a very difficult life. Now she can finally rest and be at peace.
It is unfortunate that I believe she waited for my brother to come and see her - but he chose not to to for his own personal reasons. Whatever those reasons might be they are his and he has to live with his decisions, I do feel that mum would have passed earlier if he had made the trip to Sydney to see her.
Now we just have to get through the funeral bit - I am relieved that I had a chance to organise most of it while I still could think straight. Now I just have to finalise some details.
I will also then take time to carry out my own small ritual after the "family" part is over - something meaningful for me.
I went through a lot of emotions over the past months - I realised that all of this is far more complicated than I would ever have imagined.Even though I knew that you should not judge anyone going through grief, I now so totally understand that everyone's process can be so very different. I did not even expect some things to happen or others to effect me. I thank EVERYONE who has stood by me, thought of me, my family and my mum and sent best wishes - it is your love and kindness that helped me carry on and get through.
Strange though it may sound I am glad it is over for you. Love to you x
ReplyDeleteCondonlences to you and your family Renata. Having just been through this myself, I truly understand the feelings you have, they are very similar to mine.
ReplyDeleteBlessed be
My thoughts are with you, Renata. Relief is entirely understandable. May you and yours all have peace in your hearts and look to the things that honour your memories of the past. Blessed be.
ReplyDeleteThank you guys for your wishes - they are appreciated. I need to work through my stuff and I think that will happen bit by bit - anyone who waits for the passing of a loved one has this prolonged "pre - grief" period and all these scenarios appear in the mind...the last few weeks my thoughts were constantly with mum hoping she was not in too much pain - she had more than dementia in the end with gut issues just adding to it all - 86 years was a good run...now we can all move on.
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